Not really alone.

My parents just went to bed, and I'm feeling unaccountably lonely. I have a few minutes alone before I go get ready for bed myself, and they ought to be nice and quiet and relaxing, but instead I'm feeling very scared, as if I'm missing a very important opportunity. I'm at home with them, and I don't get to be here nearly as often as I'd like; I'm awake, and my mom at least is still awake; so shouldn't I be squeezing every possible second of togetherness out of these moments?

I've been getting this panic about alone-time a lot lately, and not just about my parents. I don't think it's really a fear of abandonment, although I have occasionally been (mis)labeling it that way. It's a fear of missed opportunity; I'm afraid of wasting time on anything less important than spending time with the people I love. Boyfriend has been very kind and understanding about it, letting me change my plans at the last second to come along on adventures, and so on.

Julie linked to Alicia's post about homesickness, and quoted a passage that probably ought to teach me a lesson right now:

I am getting tired of being homesick at random moments, but I guess that God is not-so-gently reminding me that my true home is not on this earth, that these days and these places are a gift from him but are temporal and not eternal.

So maybe God is trying to smack me upside the head with a similar lesson, although I don't really know if I'm supposed to be learning the people matter lesson or something more like Augustine's lesson: You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find rest in You. I'm feeling horribly contrary, lately, though, almost toddler-ish. I don't want a lesson in patience; I want a new book now. I don't want a lesson about homesickness; I want to be at home, with everyone I love around me!

I'm not all alone; I have good friends and a big, supportive family, and we all keep in touch with each other even though we often can't be right there together. So why do I keep feeling so contrary and sad and alone?